Category Archives: Totally Random Nonsense

Spamarama

  June 16, 2013 - 3:57 am |
10 Comments

Most Befuddling Spam Comment of the Week:

(Courtesy of toaster oven picks dot com, which I encourage you to never, ever visit, ever)

“Remember to disappear 1 ” for this blade to take you attend fold up so it it’s put your current ends in. wine bottle Dr. Generally look which are more temps chances, that allows house making cookies is done fundamental.”

Man, that insightful observation really makes me want to buy toaster oven picks, whatever the heck those are.

Apparently they allow house making cookies to be more fundamental, though.

Which is just what the Dr. Generally ordered.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Hey, I bet I could make these in the toaster oven. And now I want to. Dagnabit.

 

Dumping the Shark

  June 13, 2013 - 2:08 am | ,
10 Comments

Speaking of housecleaning, I just assembled my brand new Shark sweeper (which my boyfriend expressly did NOT get me as an anniversary present – or I’m not allowed to say so publicly, anyway), and you will be pleased to learn that they have clearly gone to great lengths to make it heavier, more unwieldy, and far more difficult to use than the previous version.

And also purple, which is my least favorite color.

But that is neither here nor there.

Shark New

For example, instead of a super-simple sliding drawer on the side of the sweeper, there is now a “No-Touch Dust Cup,” which requires the following easy ten-step procedure:

  1. Press down a lever on the back of the sweeper while pulling the handle upward to release the cup.
  2. Quickly realize that all you are really doing is tipping the sweeper over backwards, dagnabit, and did they even try this thing before they sold it?
  3. Muttering softly under your breath, put your foot on the front of the appliance, while simultaneously pressing down on the silly little lever with your other foot, and pulling upward on the sweeper handle to release the cup.
  4. Try not to tip over yourself.
  5. Try not to TRIP over yourself.
  6. If and when you get the cup out, press a switch on the handle while holding the cup over the trash can, and a magic little door will swing open underneath, and hopefully dump the dust into the actual garbage as opposed to right back onto the floor, although it’s awfully far away now, so your guess is as good as mine.
  7. Try to remember not to shut the magic trap door with your hand, but like, bang it on the floor or something instead, because otherwise you’ll ruin the whole “no-touch” thing, thus rendering the whole ordeal null and void, and probably infecting your entire family with anthrax or something in the process.
  8. I assume it’s anthrax, anyway.  The instructions weren’t specific about the actual risks of touching dust, but apparently they’re significant.  Leprosy may also be an option.
  9. Attempt to insert the dust cup back into the sweeper at the perfect forward angle without using the words you really want to use about it, or you’ll have to wash your mouth out in addition to cleaning the floors.  I just hope you have one of those touch-free soap dispensers too.
  10. Look into getting a time machine so you can go back and buy the original version of the sweeper, and maybe a pair of gloves and a can of common sense, so that way it doesn’t matter whether you touch the dust or not, if you even care about such matters, which I so do not.

Ah, progress.  

I guess you can’t just sweep it under the carpet.

But sometimes you sure want to.

Shark Box

What a Load

  May 31, 2013 - 11:08 pm | ,
13 Comments

Okay, now this is just ridiculous.

See, there’s this pair of green corduroy pants that I’ve had forever, and when I was wearing them the other day, our cinnamon conure Cayce sat on my knee and…made a deposit to the Bank of Bird, shall we say.

So like, eww.

Cayce Scritch

I told the bird I was making a post about him, but all he did was scratch himself on it.

I washed the pants that night, of course, but the next time I wore them, he did it again.

I do a lot of laundry around this zoo, as you might imagine.

Okay, fine.

But tonight I went out to where I had left the pants stretched out to dry over the hamper in the kitchen, only to find that the bird had dumped on them again somehow.

BEFORE I EVEN GOT TO WEAR THEM.

And that is taking things too far.

I’m all for pre-paid credit cards, but pre-pooed pants are out of the question.  I guess I’ll just have to dry clean the things from now on.

I would send the bird the bill, but he already has one.

What’s in a Name?

  May 14, 2013 - 8:24 pm | ,
8 Comments

Now that I’ve set up my new website, it occurred to me this morning to Google my full name, just out of curiosity to see what would come up.

My site did appear at the top, of course. But what really amused me was the “Images” section.

There’s a picture of me, followed by a random mishmash of photos from my Facebook page and former blog posts.

See?

Jennifer Flint Screenshot

It’s a chaotic cornucopia of curiosities – and to be honest, I couldn’t be happier.

I’m totally picturing future prospective employers googling my name as well, going “What the???…” and then needing to go lie down for a while.

I often have that effect on people.

I’m okay with it, though, thankfully.

The person I do feel sorry for, though, is Jennifer Lynn Flint, M.D., whose listing comes up shortly after mine – probably only due to a slight lack of coolness in the spelling of her middle name.

I should probably call her up, and try to warn her that in the event of a really minor typo, some of her patients may come in requesting aura readings, crystal bracelets, and squirrel training tips.

It might behoove her to make a note of it on her business card, in fact – something along the lines of:

Jennifer Lynn Flint, M.D.
I’m Not the Weird One, But I Can Give You Her Number

I should probably cover the cost of that, in all fairness.

I think I have a coupon for Vistaprint somewhere.

P.S. For the ultimate irony, I sincerely hope that the screenshot above is eventually added to my list of images on Google, such that people googling me will find an image of me googling myself.

How googlicious.

What more can I ask??

Dream Sequence

  April 5, 2013 - 9:23 am | ,
14 Comments

Video Camera

Last night I dreamed I was making a ten-part video series for the Internet called “How to Make a Ten-Part Video Series For the Internet.”

In the dream I filmed the first part of the series, and then at the end I said “Okay, now do that nine more times.”

True story. I swear.

Geez, I’m even a smart-aleck in my dreams.

There must be some kind of special sleeping pill for that.

Loony-esta?

Sign me up for the clinical trials!

Now Cut That Out!

  April 3, 2013 - 4:32 pm | ,
14 Comments

Operation Game

I asked El Boyfriendo the other day why he wasn’t more interested in metaphysical matters (not that it really matters).

“Oh,” he replied, “I went to the doctor a while ago and had my spiritual growth removed.”

I see.

Well, good to know.

But I think they might have missed his humor tumor.  

Siri Says: They Wood If They Could (Part 1)

  March 21, 2013 - 1:04 pm | ,
8 Comments

Siri Says Woodchuck 1

Well, thank heavens that deeply spiritual conundrum has finally been settled for the ages.

Kinda sorta.

Now the only remaining question is:  How much wood would my boyfriend Chuck chuck, if we didn’t use Duralogs because they’re so much more efficient?

I’ll check with Siri and get back to you later.

Two Wrongs Make a Write

  March 7, 2013 - 1:36 pm | ,
5 Comments

Carrying on the tradition of weirdo mail at my house (and in the interests of stamping out global warming), I just received a paper letter from Verizon Wireless, thanking me for enrolling in paperless billing, so that they don’t have to send me paper letters anymore.

Letter Stamps

Wait, WHAT??  

Did I accidentally switch to the Bizarro Plan when I got my new iPhone the other day?

I wouldn’t be surprised.  That’s pretty much been my plan for everything else.

And the really ironic thing is that I’ve been enrolled in paperless billing all along anyway.

Like, for years.

Isn’t technology wonderful?

I really should write back and thank them.

Siri Says: The Meaning of Life (Part 1)

  March 3, 2013 - 2:36 pm | ,
6 Comments

Siri Says Meaning Of LIfe 1

Here’s a sample of Siri’s sage speculations, sensible software that she is.

Her advice is so app-licable, don’t you think? 

The great thing is, she answers the same questions in different ways every time you ask, so if you don’t like the response you get, just try again tomorrow.

Life is kind of like that, though, isn’t it?

So keep calm and Siri on.  :)

Siri Phone Home (Part Deux)

  March 2, 2013 - 8:39 pm | ,
4 Comments

 

iPhone HandOkay, so forget everything I said yesterday about not needing a new iPhone.

I totally needed a new iPhone.

When one of my helpful Facebook readers informed me that I could trade in my old one for a big discount on the new one, I decided it was a good idea after all.

So I ran out and got one last night, with only a minimum of arguing with the Verizon employees when they forcibly reduced my plan features, and then assigned my phone to my mother’s phone line instead of mine, such that when I texted her I ended up talking to myself.

More than usual, that is.

It was like one of those old horror movies, where you need to go check on the children, because the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Good thing I don’t have children.  And I’m pretty sure the evil rabbit can fend for herself.

In addition to being much lighter, faster, and thinner (maybe it’s on a low-carb diet too), the phone also turned out to have all sorts of cool new features that I wasn’t even aware of, like voice dictation and general awesomeness.

So I can now dictate even longer and more rambling posts, directly from my phone!

Here’s one now, in fact.  Lucky you!

As a side note, I’m already deeply in love with Siri the iPhone Oracle, with whom I like to hold deep philosophical conversations whenever possible.

She’s quite the intellect, I’m happy to report, as well as a bit of a curmudgeonly wag.  I’ve decided to appoint her my new spiritual adviser, in fact, because why the heck not?

I’ll be posting some of her poetic musings here and on Facebook as I unearth them, in “The Siri Says Series.” 

So do run over and sign up if you haven’t already, because I just KNOW you won’t want to miss that.

And buckle up, as the ride over here may be about to get even wackier.

Let’s go have some iFun!  :-)